Save Yourself

I thought I had already met all the people in life I cannot stand to be around. I was wrong: The House Guest.
First I have to admit I did approve this guest's visit. However, if I had know then what I know now.....
HG came in on Thursday, this happens to be the day I found out Bellini was not dealing with an allergy and we would need to schedule her with another specialist for a closer look. I was so bummed and scared I just turned inward. HG came in and the fab hub took him to dinner. He could not understand why I was down. The next day HG had an interview that took up much of his morning and afternoon. My girlfriend was over to help decorate for the fab hub's party that was coming up on Saturday. Her son was over (he is the 1st lil' kid that rocks! he really is cool!) and he is pretty mellow with everyone. He has the 6th sense and knew HG was bad news....he stayed away. Jen and I were doing things around the house and getting ready for pirate festivities when: HG strolls around the house in long boxers with a bluetooth headset on talking as loudly as he can so we all know just how important he is. Jeff is lucky and at work. Finally Jen and I had enough. We went shopping. We split up and I went and had my hair done.
I came home and it was time for dinner. We went to a place we really like with great Greek food. HG is now a Greek food authority and points out each and every problem with each and everything. He then wants to talk about how the fruits and vegetable in Atlanta are horrible. I am texting a friend with my suicidal thoughts. Now he is the authority on cars and knows everything and is giving advise on engines and transmissions. I drink myself into not caring and say nothing until I am at home in my bedroom with the door shut. I told the fab hub about my homicidal thoughts.
Next morning I wake up and start preparing and assembling party food. I was making several things on sticks for the pirate theme that were very labor intensive. I am getting the house in order and getting the last of the decorations up, planning where the drink stations will go, setting up the bar.....busy-very busy. HG crawls his lazy ass out of bed around 11:30. Wanders around in his boxers and continues his loud talking just where he had left off. The fab hub is helping me get things done. HG whines for lunch. I needed the fab hub around to help me so them going to lunch was not an option. I tell him there is meat and cheese for sandwiches. HG does not know how to make an effing sandwich. I look in the freezer, "How about fish sticks?", the fab hub is on board and I preheat the oven and get he sticks laid out to cook. HG is not in the mood for fish sticks. I name off a few more things I have on hand. Ikea meatballs. Then he whines about what type of sauce and goes through all the sauces he has had on meatballs and how each of them is not a true authentic sauce. I think the fab hub gave him some cranberry mustard to shut him up. HG does nothing to help. I have to ask him to make his bed and put on real clothing.
Finally party time! I have to send the fab hub to rescue people from the clutches of HG and his know everything about everything conversation. HG drank a good bit. He goes to bed with the last of the hurricane grog and says to me, "You can wake me up when yo fix breakfast." I stayed up another hour putting things away and cleaning up a bit. I got to bed around 2:30.
Next morning the fab hub and I are up and our other friend stayed as well, a nice normal house guest, we decided it was time for breakfast. Yeah,we let HG sleep and went to breakfast without him. We get home and HG is up and whiny he needs breakfast. Jeff points out there is some bacon in the fridge and some eggs he can fix for himself. Yeah, the incompetent know it all HG does not know how to cook eggs either. I had enough already. The fab hub had to cook for him. This is the glorious day HG will leave. I thought he would pack his crap and go after breakfast like a normal guest......oh, no, not HG. He goes back to bed for a nap. 4 hours later comes out still in his boxers. He wants to talk and enjoy himself some more. 2 hours later he leaves. I am no longer held captive in my house.
A few days later HG called telling us he would in town for something. I told the fab hub if HG even gets near me again they will both die.